Bell's Palsy 10 months

10 months!!???  Wow, time is sure flying!! I figured it was time to do an update though, but I keep having a hard time getting around to it.  I don't really even know how to update at this point really… if  changes are happening they are so minuscule and happen so gradually that I don't even notice them - for some reason I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up one morning and my smile will just happen, or my eyelid will work etc. But, improvement isn't happening in "big" steps… as I said it happens so gradually that it takes someone who hasn't seen me for a while to say that they think it's getting a little better!  So that is encouraging that people seem to notice improvements still - I see myself everyday and have a hard time seeing anything other than what is still wrong with it!  Prayers are still appreciated-- I cannot thank the people who take the time to still send me a message, text, or those that pray for me, enough - your support has been amazingly helpful!!

The tightness is better and I don't notice it ALL the time like I used to… mainly at the end of the day is when I notice it most. A lot of people ask me if it is numb.. and it has never been numb… I have complete feeling, it is just that when my brain tells my face to work, certain parts can't respond.. and that is what I do feel.  I can tell my brain is trying to make connections, just those connections aren't happening!!  I still have the synkinesis - my eye and mouth connection isn't fun and I notice that at ALL times too.  I can't chew food on the right side of my mouth or my whole face goes haywire.. it's actually kind of funny to watch.  Ellie is blowing raspberries a lot so I do it back to her.. but for some reason the mouth motion to do it completely closes my eye - which again is pretty funny. Trying to get Ellie to say "ma ma" makes my eye close too - still no whistling or puckering or balloon blowing either.  Certain cups/bottles etc are still really hard to drink out of.

My bright spot has been this past month's sermon series….it was about our dreams/goals.  How we all start our dreams and goals off with great intentions/working hard/asking God to help us…. but then sometimes our own selfish ambition/jealousy etc. gets us off track and then we lose sight of what is really important.  One of the things I love about church is that the message is given to everyone.. and we all translate it to our lives in our own ways…. For some reason I started thinking about my dream.  Initially it was to be a great teacher.. and I do think that I was a good teacher (and I miss it a lot)… but then my goal/dream changed and I wanted to stay home with my kids and be a great mom/wife…. and I also think I achieved that in Maree's first year of life.  Unfortunately, I was thrown a curve ball with this Bell's Palsy… and I now realize it has totally taken me off track of my goal/dream.  I've kind of let it consume me.  I'm jealous of EVERYONE's smile - in fact, back in November, everyone on Facebook seemed to be posting what they were thankful for….but I had to stay off of it, because I could hardly handle reading people's thankful posts for "caffeine, manicures, chapstick etc."-- it would make me angry and/or sad, because I was struggling to blink, eat, smile, talk, laugh etc… things that I will never take for granted again.  After that sermon though, I realized all of these thoughts have totally taken me off course from my dream/goal because I've been so fixated/jealous/angry/and most of all sad about this happening to me… and as a result… I do not think I've been the same mom that I once was.  BUT, I'm so glad I had this realization because I'm back on track and have a whole new perspective and I can already tell I'm being a better/more positive mom :)

I know this is a decent picture… but I really, really miss my smile.  My eye doesn't
"twinkle" when I smile anymore either

You should see me before a photo is taken… I'm pulling/rubbing my face hoping my smile will look bigger/normal… but I only allow a "1 try" photo take because I know I would probably do 100 if I looked at it/wanted to be satisfied! 

And oddly enough… I have about 1 day a week that my face looks more "normal"… but then it regresses. It also helps to tilt my head!