The reason I say the dreaded 3 month marker is because 70% of people who get Bell's Palsy recover in those first 3 months. Another 15% will recover by 6 months, and the last 15% won't recover. So now I'm down to a 50/50 chance of recovery. A flip of a coin... and wow, that is unbelievably scary. Apparently the longer your recovery takes to start, the more likely you will have SOME permanent effects - like your smile won't come back, or your eye won't move with a smile etc. So the fact that this MIGHT be me (because I've had zero recovery)... again, is terrifying. I'm really, REALLY trying to stay positive. I met some lady who asked me about my face (everyone asks if I've had my wisdom teeth out) and I said "I'm still hoping it will get better"... and she said, "No, you need to change your thinking and say, 'I'm still believing it will get better'"... I liked that, and am trying to adopt that line of thinking. At church last week, our pastor made the comment that if you think that God is late.... you need to reset you clock b/c God has everything planned on his own time. And I feel like I was supposed to hear that because I have been holding this 3 month marker as the end all, be all... So again, I'm trying to stay positive. I feel like I have a few good days mentally, and then a bad one. As I've said, it is so hard to wake up each morning to see absolutely no improvement. If I had any improvement, I think it would at least encourage me, but day after day of nothing takes its toll.
Some other difficulties I've run into:
1. Maree LOVES to go swimming, and she is so good with water wings. One day we went out to swim while Marc was at work, but I realized one of the water wings needed a lot more air. This is a normal task for anyone to accomplish, but it reduced Maree and I both to tears because I forgot that I can't "blow" - I can't purse my lips and therefore we couldn't go swimming and poor Maree didn't understand why
2. We are trying to teach Maree to brush her teeth and spit after it.... and yes, as you've guessed, not only can I not say "CHEEESE" to bare all my teeth and show her how to brush, I also can't spit. These simple things that I can't do are a constant reminder that I'm paralyzed.
3. Facebook... I love Facebook and hate it at the same time right now. Every time I see ANYONE with a huge smile on their face, all I can think is... wow, I bet they haven't even thought about what it would be like to lose that. or Wow, they look so beautiful/happy... and I look so unhappy/unattractive. So some days I have to stay away from social media
4. Ellie's baby book-- When I look at Maree's, it is filled with pictures that have both Marc and I in them.. and for Ellie, I still only have a few from in the hospital.. otherwise I'm refusing to be in pictures. I can't explain how terrible I look unless I let my face look absolutely expressionless.... and then I feel like even in those pictures I just look pissed... so I avoid them. I know this makes me sound vain.. but please don't judge - It's not about how I look... it's about how I don't look like ME... and nothing is worse right now than a freeze frame shot of my face
5. Maree is the most outgoing little girl I have ever met - she honestly waves and says "HEY!" or "HI" very loudly to everyone (she gets that from her dad!)... most people are caught off guard by this, but delighted at the same time and they comment on how cute she is... every single time this happens I have to decide... if I talk and say thank you, I know how weird it looks (because I have to talk out of one side of my mouth) or I try to smile graciously...this is my automatic reaction... but then I can see the look on people's faces that they are confused why I look upset by their compliment and I quickly remember that I can't smile.. and if I do or don't try.. either way, I just look mad all the time :(
Ellie has started smiling the past few weeks... and I try so hard to smile back at her and encourage these smiles.. and while I know she doesn't think anything is wrong with my face/she doesn't care... the problem is, I FEEL it. My brain is telling my face to smile, and only half of it responds... and every time this happens, like I said, I feel it not working so I'm constantly aware of it.
The Sun.... this seems like such a weird thing to complain about because everyone loves sunny days! (And just to throw this in... I don't think there has been one cloudy day in the 86 days I've had this) The problem is I'm blind without glasses, so I have to wear them all the time. However, what I often forget is the immediate need for my prescription sunglasses. I usually leave the house or a store etc. with my glasses on, only to be absolutely blinded by the sun.... most people naturally squint their eyes to help their eye adjust to the brightness... well, as I'm sure you've guessed, my eye doesn't squint! So as soon as I step outside I feel blind... so what usually happens is I'm holding onto Maree and Ellie and digging into my purse for my sunglasses...not easy. Yes, I've tried to wear them on my head for easy access.. but I can't because my regular glasses go behind my ear.. and I can't wear them on my shirt because Ellie is usually strapped to the front of me! Ugh. so many small things I struggle with that were once never even a thought to me.
I could go on and on, but I'll stop here because the more I think about it, the more hopeless I feel the situation is. It does really help knowing I have a lot of people praying for me-- and sometimes random people send me messages and it is always nice to know someone is sending well wishes.
Maree & Ellie
These two are the main reasons why I think I'm not depressed (And Marc of course - he is wonderful and so supportive - read my father's day post)... Maree is so much fun and while Ellie is colic and screams a lot, I still love her to pieces. Maree loves to be outside.. especially in the pool. She is still trying so hard to repeat words and getting pretty good - some new ones the past few weeks:
* Buh-er- fy (butterfly)
*Ye -wo (yellow)
* Ot Ot (Hot, Hot) - she says this to everything, the car, the pavement, her food etc.
* Side (Outside)
* Eh- eeee (Ellie)
* Ma (Maree)
*Whool (Pool)
*Oop (poop)
*Boo (Blue)
*Ree Ree (Ribbit Ribbit like a frog)
Ellie is changing every day it seems and I think she has lost that newborn look. She feels so much smaller/thinner than Maree that I was sure at the 1 month check up that she would only be 9 pounds... but she was 10.8!! Her weight must all reside in her torso.. b/c she has the skinniest/longest legs!! Her colic seems to be getting a bit better thanks to colic calm and taking naps on her stomach. Her biggest accomplishment (other than smiling this month) is that the past two nights she slept 6 hours, then 8 hours!!!!!! Unreal!!! I'm still in shock -- a Central College friend read my blog a month or so ago and recommended The Miracle Blanket to swaddle Ellie in and that it would make her sleep through the night. Well, it took a few weeks to get her sleeping longer times, but wow, 8 hours is SO nice. This blanket works really well because both of my girls seem to kick their way out of swaddles, or get an arm free... this really helps her stay all wrapped up! So thank you Jennifer!
Here are some of my favorite pictures from the past few weeks:
Hey friend--I really can't imagine what you are going through but I DO believe in the power of prayer--Jeff and I and both of our families are praying for you and I love what your pastor said about God's timing and how sometimes that doesn't flow with OUR timing! :) Love you and am so impressed with your attitude & perspective. xoxo ali
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